Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Foot injury- Still living the dream?

I just went to a sports medicine doctor who took another x-ray of my foot and showed that my injury is actually a stress fracture.
The halo around the third metatarsus indicates healing of a stress fracture.
This means my foot needs more time to heal. The doctor said three more weeks, on top of the four weeks I've already been off the PCT.  Being off the trail due to my foot injury is the hardest thing I have faced on this trip so far.   I ache to be back on the PCT, back with my wonderful hiking buddies, back where I had never before been so happy in all my life. I struggle too with thinking about why this happened to me. I have a million questions about how to heal, how to stay sane while staying off my feet, how to recover, how I can ever hope to trust my body again. ;

When things got really tough out on the PCT, I'd remind myself: "I'm living the dream.  I'm hiking the PCT." Saying those words out loud cheered me up.  It reminded me that no matter what I was facing, that hiking the PCT was exactly what I'd been wanting to do for years.  I've never been so certain I was on the right path.

Out on the trail, sometimes, it was still mentally difficult.  Like when I drank my last sip of water in the heat of the desert while I was still a few miles from the next spring. After that, it took me a long time to trust myself judging how much water to carry, and how to deal mentally with the uncertainty of how much I drank. Another example was when I was standing on top of snow-covered Glen Pass, unsure how I would get down the incredibly sheer slope, footprints going in several directions all of which looked like they would fall off the face of the earth. In those moments, I had to pull out all my techniques for believing in my abilities, and trusting that it would work out even though I couldn't see how it was possible in the moment. But I always kept going, I always ended up being surrounded by friends who helped me through it, and I always amazed myself that I COULD DO IT.

Those struggles are part of the experience of being on the PCT- it isn't all splendid scenic vistas and coolers full of trail magic.  Many of the experiences were achingly painful or just plain terrifying.  The PCT takes you to your edge, or drives you past it.  In those moments, instead of wallowing in self-doubt or being scared, I learned to step outside of myself for a moment.  I would remember that I was exactly where I needed to be.   I'd look around me and discover that the friends I'd met could teach me lessons to help me through. The really tough parts were my preparation for the the next section.  I accepted that all my experiences on the PCT- even the ones that hurt like crazy- were what I was out there for.  I reached new levels of self-confidence.  I was a bad-ass PCT hiker who could do anything that I put my mind to.  Having that realization felt life-changing.

This way of looking at and accepting hardships let me face my fears head on while I was on the PCT.  I trusted that I was growing and learning something about myself.  I remembered to welcome the ever-changing challenges, rather than experiencing them as something that sucked.

Now that I am off-trail due to this injury, I try to tap into the skills I felt like I had mastered on the trail- that trust and assurance in myself- but it's not comming as easy as it did while I was on the trail.  Whenever the tears stream down my face, I attempt to say to myself "I'm a bad-ass PCT hiker and I can do this."  I only half-believe it.
Still a bad-ass PCT hiker, even in my boot.
 But then I think of myself on Glen Pass looking down those impossible slopes, how I took one careful step at a time, how I did that thing that terrified me the most and how awesome it felt to make it. This stress fracture will heal. I will figure out how this injury fits in with my journey. I'm going to do what it takes now so that I can keep hiking in the future. And when the time comes, those first steps back on the trail will be awesome.

22 comments:

  1. Definitely take it easy and rest! I know it's really hard to do - not being on the trail - but sometimes you have to do what sucks. This is coming from someone who broke her back skiing last year and had to take an entire year off of backpacking (my heart is in the Sierra). It killed my spirit, but it allowed me to heal in many other ways (back included). I went on my first bionic backpacking trip the weekend after we met you at Kearsarge Pass! :) http://astrogerly.blogspot.com/

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    1. It took me a while, but I've finally made peace with having to rest, and stay off my feet until this completely heals.

      WOW- a whole year without backpacking- that's something else! I do know what you mean about leaving your heart in the mountains. But you are so right that the time is an opportunity to heal and reflect, and I know I need to do some mental and emotional healing, in addition to the physical, before I will be ready to get back out on the trail. Definitely a process, and one that will be worth it in the end, as painful as it is and as much I didn't anticipate this in my journey.

      That is so inspiring to hear that you got back out there on the very trip where I met you! Oh my, thank you for sharing your story- that's so wonderful to hear. Way to go!

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  2. Oh no, but three weeks is better than three months...I had knee surgery several years ago and it was 12 weeks before they let me "walk for fitness" so I understand. However...August is a GREAT time for Washington, and you could still do Oregon in September, or flip down to the rest of the Sierra...it might not be a total thru, but it would be pretty darn close. You did the hard part already..the desert..you can do this! See you on the PCT! Monkey Bars

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    1. Absolutely, this is relatively short amount of time comparatively. I definitely have hope that I will heal in time to do some more hiking. I'm actually pretty excited about the prospect of flipping and doing sections. Brings out the section hiker in me to think about being able to choose the good times for different regions. And it will be an opportunity to meet different people possibly. I am very glad I got through SoCal and the Sierra though. Those were the two parts that really scared me before I started, and actually I thought for a long time that I wouldn't do them at all and just do Oregon and Washington. So it's sort of like I'm saving the parts that inspired me most for last. And also, I ended up loving the desert, so I am grateful I did that and it ended up this way.

      I do hope I will see you out on the PCT! Oh that would be so very fun...

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  3. Coincidentally I had a stress fracture in nearly the exact same spot. My doctor gave me the option of wearing steel shank boots or a walking boot. I wore Red Wing steel shank boots and was able to walk without pain while my foot healed. Thought maybe I still had the boots I could loan you but guess not. Patience is not easy. Try to hang in there.

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    1. That really is remarkable that the fracture was nearly the same spot. I had no idea this happened to so many other people. Interesting about the steel shank boots I hadn't heard about that.

      Patience has never been my strong suit. But this is sure giving me good practice. Definitely helps to be surrounded by so many caring people, and to be getting such support. :)

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  4. I can't believe you've already been off for a month now! Three more weeks...wow. I hope you continue on, maybe flipping or doing something alternative. You'll finish, I know you will!

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    1. I am going to focus first on healing, and am trying my hardest to give it plenty of time. Definitely don't want to get a reinjury. But you are absolutely right. I will get back on the trail. I will finish no matter how long it takes.

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  5. Hurrah for you Joan. I applaud your attitude.

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  6. While I don't no much about the foot issue, I do know that what you wrote and how you write is brilliant. This is without a doubt one if the best blogs of the year (lol and I read them ALL!
    Thank you

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    1. Oh my I don't know what to say that is just so sweet and I'm delighted that you think so. I really appreciate the encouragement. Especially right now when I'm doubting whether I should keep writing about this part of my journey now that I'm off trail. So this means a lot. Thanks.

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  7. Agree with Brett above. You are a gifted writer. You give voice to the thoughts and feeling of the rest of us "badass" PCT hikers. Thanks!

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    1. Your compliment means so much to me- thank you! I often feel vulnerable writing from the heart. But I'm glad you can relate.

      Miss hiking with you my friend, but always enjoy reading your trail journal. Hope your injury is healing too!

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  8. Oh such disappointing news, Joan!! But I'm am so impressed with the attitude you are taking, and how open you are being with all of us, giving us a peek at your feelings and emotions. You are one awesome woman!! Or to quote you, one bad-ass PCT hiker!!

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    1. Thanks so much, Brenda! Makes me feel so much better to share this all with you and be received with such support and understanding. :)

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  9. Three thoughts: 1. You have achieved a lot by backpacking 940 miles of the PCT, and 150 miles of that with a stress fracture. 2. I do not see how you walked 150 miles with the stress fracture. I had such a stress fracture while running. It took six weeks to get back running, but I was soon running 3 miles a day for many years. 3. You need to get away for these last weeks and think of something else. Then come back and do as much as you can.

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    1. What thoughtful comments. I realize I do tend to focus on the miles I haven't walked, but you are right that I've never done anything like this. Not even backpacked longer than 4 nights in a row. I'm also surprise that I made it that far walking on the fracture, in retrospect. A stress fracture didn't even remotely occur to me, and I'm so fortunate that it didn't break. I guess I'm stronger or more determined than I realize.

      I'm glad to hear your story that you have healed from your stress fracture, and have been able to continue with your running ever since. Inspiring!

      Good suggestion with getting away and switching mindsets. My folks just got me a plane ticket to go visit them, so I'm really looking forward to that. And I'm heading off to visit the coastal redwoods day after tomorrow- so excited I've never seen them before!

      Thanks again for your comments and support!

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  10. I am happy to hear you are off to visit your parents.

    I need you to be back on the trail also. Enough with these withdrawals from your stories. I, too, really enjoy your writing!

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